I was hungry and you fed me...

This isn't a post about my eating habits...

My heart is aching tonight, and this seemed a good place to go with it. At Kingdom Kids Club we have a family of children who has been coming for a month or two (a year or more to church, but just discovered our Wed. night program). 3 of 5 precious kids in a very troubled family. Tonight they were all agitated from the moment they arrived.

Tonight's story was about Jesus being tempted. I chose this for our memory verse:

Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" Matthew 4:4

It seemed perfect when I thought about the significance of memorizing scripture, etc. So tonight I asked, "What's the longest time you have been without food?" Most had not gone long, one tried to impress us and proudly said, "3 days." Then the 3 siblings, almost in unison, said quietly, "8 days." I stupidly asked if they chose to not eat, and they said (of course) "No, we just didn't have any." They are 6, 8 and 11. I couldn't pursue that conversation any further for fear of embarrassing them more, and for fear of weeping in front of my class.

Then I finally thought to ask if they had eaten before they came. They hadn't. Apparently an exterminator had to come to their trailer house so their mom gave their food to their aunt, and her family ate it all. So they had no food. We scrounged together some rice crispy treats and water, and I had planned a game involving cereal, so I sent them home with Alpha-bits. Of course they all calmed down once their tummies weren't starving.

I'm glad they are coming to KKC to receive spiritual food. I believe it will bless them. But my stomach is in knots. MY memory verse that the LORD put in my heart tonight has been, "I was hungry and you fed me."

Tomorrow they will go to school and get breakfast and lunch. Then they will be off school for 9 days. While the rest of us can hardly wait, I imagine they are not so excited about the week to come. Home isn't a safe place--in many ways, and food is perhaps the least of their problems. But it is one I can do something about.

"I was hungry and you fed me." "Man does not live on bread alone." (One of the kids said, "Man, we never have bread. I wish we had bread!")

I know it's time for a shopping spree. I just don't know what comes after that. Why, oh why, does this frighten me?

Wednesday Weigh-In

xx4.6, almost 4 more pounds down. And still, the only change I've made in lifestyle is avoiding sugar.

Once again, this is a little sad to me. I wish I could say it's about my good habits I'm forming--exercise, healthy foods, etc. But I think it means that I've been consuming hundreds and hundreds of calories in sweets. I miss it, I still crave it, and I think about Easter a lot. I wish I was thinking about the cross a lot, but honestly I'm thinking about Reese's peanut butter eggs a lot, wondering if I should buy some now and put them in the freezer. Oh, that sounds terrible when I write it!!!

Thinking about so many things, but I will have to write more later. Wanted to document while I'm thinking about it and awake.

How are you doing, friend? Ready to join me for a sugar fast?

Bad News

I looked for last week's weigh-in and I guess I just skipped it! (It was a very busy day, ending with me being sick for 2 solid days--in bed, trash can beside me sick.)

Anyway, the good news today is that my number is xx8.4, which is 2.2 pounds down from 2 weeks ago. The bad news is that it's probably because I'm not eating desserts (well, and the contributions I made to the trash can...ugh). This only confirms what we already know. Dessert is fattening. That's a little sad to me, like acknowledging the reality that your boyfriend really was a jerk and you were just too gaga over him to see it. Reality is painful.

On the positive side, I am going in the right direction. Craving chocolate all the way, but moving a step forward anyway.

Now on to 4 chapters of Insecurity--I'm way behind. (See paragraph 1 above. Last week was overwhelming to me. Time to get in the groove.)

Back on the wagon, friend!

You can do it, friend! Just get back up on the wagon today. Sugar-fast is so hard, but every time I say no to something (which is MANY times a day--I'm such an addict!), I feel like i've won a teensy little battle. And I think it is getting a little easier. One of the blessings for me is that Katy is choosing to fast from sugar with me, so I have more incentive to be disciplined. I'm being her role model, after all!

I've been in Nehemiah this week. Never really studied it before, but it's just beautiful. When Nehemiah is rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem, he and the Jews are under continual attack from the enemy. The enemy knows their weakness and prepares for when the Jews get too worn out to work. So here's Nehemiah's prayer: "Now strengthen my hands." And God gave their hands strength--so much that they were able to build a 2-mile wall in 52 days. Miraculous kind of strength.

Our hands need strength, my friend. It has just occurred to me that nothing goes into my mouth without the help of my hands! So today I'm going to pray for our hands to have strength! To resist picking up that ...(whatever)... and putting it into our mouths!

At the end of Nehemiah, the people gather for Ezra and others to read the Book aloud. They are so convicted of their sin, their weakness, their faithlessness before a faithful God, that they were weeping as the words were being read. Nehemiah stopped them and told them to stop grieving. They were to go and enjoy choice (healthy) food and sweet drinks (Diet Coke), and share it with their friends! He said, "Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength!"

I am really struggling not to be grumpy in the midst of this move. Too much to do, too little time, not enough money. And yet, I can allow the joy of the LORD to make me strong. Praise music, reading my Bible, talking to my Father--those things bring me to a place of joy, and that will make me strong. Strong in my mind, my heart, and my back! (Oh, and my hands:)

The joy of the LORD is our strength, dear Jana!

Random thought: I've noticed that whenever construction work is being done, there is usually music playing (to make them strong?). So while they were rebuilding the wall, I wonder if there was a worship band standing on Mt. Zion playing while the workers hammered away. My husband would have been in the band. Your husband would have been designing the structure. You and I would have been breaking our backs lifting rocks! (Not because we're not capable of anything else, but because SOMEBODY'S GOTTA DO THE WORK!!!) No, maybe you would be writing the stories down for future generations to read! And I would be coordinating the meals for all the workers, with cute lunchboxes and special notes inside. No, you'd have to write the notes too.

2 days

I have done a scientific study, and have concluded that when one decides to abstain from eating sugary foods, the first day is easy--swept along by the power of one's convictions. The second day is not bad. Just keep yourself busy and you can resist. The third day is emotional torture. Everything is starting to look like a donut hole, or an m&m. Every piece of chocolate in my house is screaming at me. . (Seriously, a plastic bead just rolled across the floor and I started drooling.) And I promise my mixer just said, "Please use me one last time before you move me. I'd like to bake you a cake." Even busyness cannot deter my mind from thinking about sugar. I think I'm going to lose my mind.

But this is about focusing my attention on what God wants me to hear from Him, not about me being a lunatic. So, as the mantra goes, "Lord, work a miracle in me today!" (This is part of what we say every Sunday before the sermon.)

Ash Wednesday

I weighed in this morning, and I guess I should just go ahead and be honest. xx0.6. Yes. I gained again. I currently weigh more than I have in almost a year. This is not how I envisioned this little "experiment"! (Sad that I actually thought about not being honest...)

I was really doing well until Sunday, when Cupid took over my brain and made me eat every piece of chocolate in sight. Ate out about 6 meals in a row, including the donut shop Sunday morning, Texas Roadhouse at lunch and Carino's for dinner. Of course I didn't do a bit of exercise to make up for any of this. (I'm not really blaming Cupid. That would be silly.)

So let's diagnose the problem, shall we? Problem #1 is that I really enjoy eating. #2, I eat for just about every occasion--when I'm happy, sad, worried, stressed, celebrating or bored. #3 is that I obviously lack self-discipline. Once again I am convicted that something in my perspective has to change. But what? Here's where I'm feeling a little radical....

I realized late last night that today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. We Restoration folks don't generally observe the season of Lent. But when I have decided to sacrifice something in order to listen to God, I always feel blessed by the experience. So I'm considering giving up desserts/candy/sweets for Lent. This is so very drastic, especially as the next two weeks are going to be EXTREMELY crazy and stressful. (Our movers arrive in a week.) So drastic that it makes me not want to do it. 40 days without sugar. That's just ridiculous! The first step will be remembering not to put it in my mouth. (That is much harder than it sounds!) I considered including Diet Coke, but that would make me grumpy and the last thing my family needs is a grumpy mom on top of moving!

So here goes! I told you I wanted to try some experiments this year! I'm feeling kinda shaky just writing, because pink foil Reese's peanut butter hearts are calling to me from the kitchen even now!

Truly, Lord, You gave up ALL food for 40 days and lived to tell about it, so I know I can give up sugar for this season and find JOY in it! My deepest desire is to be in such close communication with You that I can hear You over all the other "voices" in my life. I want to hear what You have to say to me. I want to find complete security in You. I want to know Your will for me and my family, and I know You want me to know it. But You have called me to calm myself so that I can hear you. What a small sacrifice it is to give up sugar--something that doesn't benefit me in any way (except emotionally, but I'm not sure that is a bit healthy!) Fill my heart with sweeter things in the next 40 days. I want to be prepared for whatever You have for me. You must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less!

Jana, I'm really thankful to be on this journey with you. You encourage me and inspire me, even as I wallow in failure (on the scale anyway)! I can't wait to hear about your Wednesday weigh-in. I hope it's better than mine!

Thoughts about the book tomorrow, I hope!

Tuesday night

Ahhh. . . Tuesday night. Watching the Olympics instead of doing the 14 things on my to-do list. I find it interesting that I care basically nothing about any of these sports for years at a time, but find myself glued--and nervous--about winners/losers during the Olympics. Isn't that funny?

Tomorrow's my 2nd weigh-in and folks, this one's going to be interesting. I fell TOTALLY off the wagon on Sunday (Valentine's Day), which began with our tradition of heart-shaped Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I'll just cut to the chase and tell you that I ate FOUR of them. If you look up the calories online, those 4 doughnuts met the calorie count for one whole day--in other words, I would have had to eat nothing else all day to be in the correct calorie range.

Why did I do that? Because they were HERE, in my house. I can resist them when they are behind a glass counter. But sitting on my own counter? It was too much for me to bear.

This is all a part of my hard look at why and when I eat, so that I can modify how much I eat. I know about the mindless snacking--those bites and handfuls that add up to lots of unnecessary calories. I need to reflect more on the other problem--finding so much joy and comfort in carbs & sugar. When I write it like that, it seems ridiculous. But when that kind of food is in the house, I think about it, no matter what room I'm in. So . . . this week I'm going to work on thinking about food as fuel and as a means of providing nutrition. I don't want food to be my substitute for anything else.

In other news: I can't wait to hear about your discussion group of So Long, Insecurity. Can I tell you what has struck me so far?

First: I love that she addresses the question of how women can find security without the steady affirmation of a man (page 5). This is so important for the single college girls I work with, and at times, for most all married women. "What if no one tells us [we're captivating/beautiful]? What if a man is not captivated by us? Can we still fell adequate in a media-driven society?" Her answer, of course, is YES.

Two: I found myself nodding my head all the way through chapter 2. Her admonition to "keep an open mind about what an insecure woman looks like . . . she can be a complicated mix of confidence and self-consciousness" (19). I can see insecurity rear its ugly head in myself, but I don't think I realize how much it lives in the lives of women around me, who I would describe as very secure.

Three: This describes me perfectly: "I just don't doubt myself. I doubt God about myself"(19). You have known me long enough to know this is true of me--that I don't think God knows the sum totality of my thoughts/actions, b/c if He did, His love would cease. I can identify that characteristic IN AN INSTANT in other people because this struggle has lived so long in me. I've made progress over the years, but I'm ready to yank this one out of the soil of deception, roots and all.

I would love to know your thoughts on these chapters and what reverberated in your spirit. I haven't checked the LPM blog since I joined the blogroll--I'm looking forward to seeing the 6,000+ responses. :-) So glad the book is in the hands of so many sisters--I'm praying that God will speak to all of us clearly in these pages, and that addressing some of our "issues" will help us to lift our eyes from self to Savior.

I love you, friend. I can't wait to hear from you!
Jana