Back on the wagon, friend!

You can do it, friend! Just get back up on the wagon today. Sugar-fast is so hard, but every time I say no to something (which is MANY times a day--I'm such an addict!), I feel like i've won a teensy little battle. And I think it is getting a little easier. One of the blessings for me is that Katy is choosing to fast from sugar with me, so I have more incentive to be disciplined. I'm being her role model, after all!

I've been in Nehemiah this week. Never really studied it before, but it's just beautiful. When Nehemiah is rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem, he and the Jews are under continual attack from the enemy. The enemy knows their weakness and prepares for when the Jews get too worn out to work. So here's Nehemiah's prayer: "Now strengthen my hands." And God gave their hands strength--so much that they were able to build a 2-mile wall in 52 days. Miraculous kind of strength.

Our hands need strength, my friend. It has just occurred to me that nothing goes into my mouth without the help of my hands! So today I'm going to pray for our hands to have strength! To resist picking up that ...(whatever)... and putting it into our mouths!

At the end of Nehemiah, the people gather for Ezra and others to read the Book aloud. They are so convicted of their sin, their weakness, their faithlessness before a faithful God, that they were weeping as the words were being read. Nehemiah stopped them and told them to stop grieving. They were to go and enjoy choice (healthy) food and sweet drinks (Diet Coke), and share it with their friends! He said, "Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength!"

I am really struggling not to be grumpy in the midst of this move. Too much to do, too little time, not enough money. And yet, I can allow the joy of the LORD to make me strong. Praise music, reading my Bible, talking to my Father--those things bring me to a place of joy, and that will make me strong. Strong in my mind, my heart, and my back! (Oh, and my hands:)

The joy of the LORD is our strength, dear Jana!

Random thought: I've noticed that whenever construction work is being done, there is usually music playing (to make them strong?). So while they were rebuilding the wall, I wonder if there was a worship band standing on Mt. Zion playing while the workers hammered away. My husband would have been in the band. Your husband would have been designing the structure. You and I would have been breaking our backs lifting rocks! (Not because we're not capable of anything else, but because SOMEBODY'S GOTTA DO THE WORK!!!) No, maybe you would be writing the stories down for future generations to read! And I would be coordinating the meals for all the workers, with cute lunchboxes and special notes inside. No, you'd have to write the notes too.

2 days

I have done a scientific study, and have concluded that when one decides to abstain from eating sugary foods, the first day is easy--swept along by the power of one's convictions. The second day is not bad. Just keep yourself busy and you can resist. The third day is emotional torture. Everything is starting to look like a donut hole, or an m&m. Every piece of chocolate in my house is screaming at me. . (Seriously, a plastic bead just rolled across the floor and I started drooling.) And I promise my mixer just said, "Please use me one last time before you move me. I'd like to bake you a cake." Even busyness cannot deter my mind from thinking about sugar. I think I'm going to lose my mind.

But this is about focusing my attention on what God wants me to hear from Him, not about me being a lunatic. So, as the mantra goes, "Lord, work a miracle in me today!" (This is part of what we say every Sunday before the sermon.)

Ash Wednesday

I weighed in this morning, and I guess I should just go ahead and be honest. xx0.6. Yes. I gained again. I currently weigh more than I have in almost a year. This is not how I envisioned this little "experiment"! (Sad that I actually thought about not being honest...)

I was really doing well until Sunday, when Cupid took over my brain and made me eat every piece of chocolate in sight. Ate out about 6 meals in a row, including the donut shop Sunday morning, Texas Roadhouse at lunch and Carino's for dinner. Of course I didn't do a bit of exercise to make up for any of this. (I'm not really blaming Cupid. That would be silly.)

So let's diagnose the problem, shall we? Problem #1 is that I really enjoy eating. #2, I eat for just about every occasion--when I'm happy, sad, worried, stressed, celebrating or bored. #3 is that I obviously lack self-discipline. Once again I am convicted that something in my perspective has to change. But what? Here's where I'm feeling a little radical....

I realized late last night that today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. We Restoration folks don't generally observe the season of Lent. But when I have decided to sacrifice something in order to listen to God, I always feel blessed by the experience. So I'm considering giving up desserts/candy/sweets for Lent. This is so very drastic, especially as the next two weeks are going to be EXTREMELY crazy and stressful. (Our movers arrive in a week.) So drastic that it makes me not want to do it. 40 days without sugar. That's just ridiculous! The first step will be remembering not to put it in my mouth. (That is much harder than it sounds!) I considered including Diet Coke, but that would make me grumpy and the last thing my family needs is a grumpy mom on top of moving!

So here goes! I told you I wanted to try some experiments this year! I'm feeling kinda shaky just writing, because pink foil Reese's peanut butter hearts are calling to me from the kitchen even now!

Truly, Lord, You gave up ALL food for 40 days and lived to tell about it, so I know I can give up sugar for this season and find JOY in it! My deepest desire is to be in such close communication with You that I can hear You over all the other "voices" in my life. I want to hear what You have to say to me. I want to find complete security in You. I want to know Your will for me and my family, and I know You want me to know it. But You have called me to calm myself so that I can hear you. What a small sacrifice it is to give up sugar--something that doesn't benefit me in any way (except emotionally, but I'm not sure that is a bit healthy!) Fill my heart with sweeter things in the next 40 days. I want to be prepared for whatever You have for me. You must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less!

Jana, I'm really thankful to be on this journey with you. You encourage me and inspire me, even as I wallow in failure (on the scale anyway)! I can't wait to hear about your Wednesday weigh-in. I hope it's better than mine!

Thoughts about the book tomorrow, I hope!

Tuesday night

Ahhh. . . Tuesday night. Watching the Olympics instead of doing the 14 things on my to-do list. I find it interesting that I care basically nothing about any of these sports for years at a time, but find myself glued--and nervous--about winners/losers during the Olympics. Isn't that funny?

Tomorrow's my 2nd weigh-in and folks, this one's going to be interesting. I fell TOTALLY off the wagon on Sunday (Valentine's Day), which began with our tradition of heart-shaped Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I'll just cut to the chase and tell you that I ate FOUR of them. If you look up the calories online, those 4 doughnuts met the calorie count for one whole day--in other words, I would have had to eat nothing else all day to be in the correct calorie range.

Why did I do that? Because they were HERE, in my house. I can resist them when they are behind a glass counter. But sitting on my own counter? It was too much for me to bear.

This is all a part of my hard look at why and when I eat, so that I can modify how much I eat. I know about the mindless snacking--those bites and handfuls that add up to lots of unnecessary calories. I need to reflect more on the other problem--finding so much joy and comfort in carbs & sugar. When I write it like that, it seems ridiculous. But when that kind of food is in the house, I think about it, no matter what room I'm in. So . . . this week I'm going to work on thinking about food as fuel and as a means of providing nutrition. I don't want food to be my substitute for anything else.

In other news: I can't wait to hear about your discussion group of So Long, Insecurity. Can I tell you what has struck me so far?

First: I love that she addresses the question of how women can find security without the steady affirmation of a man (page 5). This is so important for the single college girls I work with, and at times, for most all married women. "What if no one tells us [we're captivating/beautiful]? What if a man is not captivated by us? Can we still fell adequate in a media-driven society?" Her answer, of course, is YES.

Two: I found myself nodding my head all the way through chapter 2. Her admonition to "keep an open mind about what an insecure woman looks like . . . she can be a complicated mix of confidence and self-consciousness" (19). I can see insecurity rear its ugly head in myself, but I don't think I realize how much it lives in the lives of women around me, who I would describe as very secure.

Three: This describes me perfectly: "I just don't doubt myself. I doubt God about myself"(19). You have known me long enough to know this is true of me--that I don't think God knows the sum totality of my thoughts/actions, b/c if He did, His love would cease. I can identify that characteristic IN AN INSTANT in other people because this struggle has lived so long in me. I've made progress over the years, but I'm ready to yank this one out of the soil of deception, roots and all.

I would love to know your thoughts on these chapters and what reverberated in your spirit. I haven't checked the LPM blog since I joined the blogroll--I'm looking forward to seeing the 6,000+ responses. :-) So glad the book is in the hands of so many sisters--I'm praying that God will speak to all of us clearly in these pages, and that addressing some of our "issues" will help us to lift our eyes from self to Savior.

I love you, friend. I can't wait to hear from you!
Jana

Wednesday Weigh-In

Well, I weighed in this morning and it was just as I expected. +.4 pound. Rats. I was hoping for better, since I starved myself yesterday! Not a single dessert for a whole day.

Today I decided I shouldn't go cold turkey (moderation, right?), so I ate a Hershey Kiss. Literally just one. Hooray! And I completely resisted 2 dozen donut holes and a whole box of donuts. Of course, I would have had to eat the donuts in front of a group of women discussing insecurity, and I wasn't about to point out that particular source of my insecurity!

One of my favorite statements so far in Beth's book, by the way... Two steps forward and one step back--IS STILL PROGRESS! So let's celebrate that today!

How are you doing, my friend???

A few small decisions

I forgot to weigh in this morning, so I will do it tomorrow.

So far today I have eaten the following:

Breakfast

a cup of Lucky Charms with 2% milk

can of Diet Coke

Lunch

Large Diet Coke

1 combination burrito from Taco Villa

I'm starving at the moment, and I should go eat an apple with a little peanut butter. So that's what I'll do.

Our usual Wednesday night supper is Chick-fila. I'll eat the sandwich and skip the fries. And another Diet Coke.

I've just revealed my worst habit. I can't seem to remember to drink water instead of Diet Coke. Probably all the aspartame getting to my brain. In my defense (because I'm defensive:), I have a migraine, and I choose to believe the caffeine in Diet Coke will help.

Weigh-in Wednesday--Jana

I officially weighed in today. Drumroll, please: xx1.8. Doesn't that look lovely?
I might just have to break out and put the real numbers here at some point--if I believe that numbers are numbers, then I probably don't need to be ashamed of them. But I'm also not proud of them, so there.

I don't feel discouraged, oddly enough. I looked at the number and went, "Well." I have written down what I've eaten today, and that's the place I'm starting. I hope, hope, hope that keeping track of what I'm eating will help me monitor all the mindless snacking that I do--especially between 4-5:30. Wouldn't that be great?

Trisha, I'm so proud of you for your transparency and your m&m's stories. They keep me laughing--but tell Ben, in Soup Nazi style, "No m&m's for me"; use a guillotining motion to deepen the effect. There are so many foods to love, and the deal is, we can eat the occasional m&m and Oreo. We just can't eat the whole bag/sleeve/package.

So . . . let's write down what we eat, even if it has to be scribbled on a napkin, and this week, let's make moderation and awareness be at least two of our goals.

What other goals should we reasonable have this week?

THIS IS HARD!

I am not going to weigh less tomorrow than I did last Wednesday because I haven't changed anything about my eating habits and I haven't exercised (unless you count packing boxes and folding laundry). Since Thursday (when I boldly declared that I would not eat after 7:30), I have forgotten and snacked almost every night. Tonight I remembered (because I was watching Biggest Loser) and when Ben brought me a handful of m&m's I yelled at him. But I didn't eat any! So tonight, I'm counting that as one of the thousand I'm going to have to make to get moving in the right direction. Next time I'll try to do it without yelling at my husband. It was kind of a playful yell anyway.

I think I need to start a food journal too. Oh, it will be painful. And I think I need to throw out the rest of the yummy cookies I made for the SuperBowl and the rest of the m&m's. Also painful.

Baby Steps

Oh, dear Trisha. I haven't forgotten about you or this blog--it just seems that way.

My first official baby step?
I'm weighing in tomorrow for the first time in several weeks. I'm going to weigh in about midday at work, b/c my scale at home provides alternative numbers: step on it four times in a row, and you'll get 4 wildly different numbers. This has actually been nice in the past--I step on it until I get a number that doesn't make me audibly gasp.

So: the weigh-in is tomorrow. I know the number will be disappointing and disheartening--I'm going to work hard to make sure that I don't let the number be a discouragement. It is just a number. It does not measure any of the character traits I value most. I'll need to remind myself about that at noon tomorrow.

Until then, I haven't made any adjustments in the last week, other than trying to become more aware of my eating patterns. We had company all week-end (and enjoyed eating out)--followed by SuperBowl food, which was washed down by chocolate kisses.
If this is a confessional, I'm confessing.

So, my official start day is tomorrow. I'll post my weight, in cryptic numbers (really like that, Trisha), and then I'm going to start a food journal--writing down what I eat. THat is the ONLY thing that has ever worked for me. Remember, I'm a snacker (especially after school).

Getting my mind to cooperate is the hardest part, and beyond anything else, self-defeating thoughts will be the hardest to conquer. Even harder than not ever eating another Oreo, which is like crack cocaine to me.

I'll visit here again tomorrow. Until then, head up and chin up.
Jana

Good news!

I'm watching the Today Show and they just said it's best for you to be "a little overweight"--5-10 pounds. That's what's best for your heart. I find that encouraging (although I still have a ways to go!)

Also said a woman's waist shouldn't be more than 35". Hmmm...

Weigh-in...

I thought it would be a good idea for us to do a little "weigh-in" on Wednesdays. So here's my first report from yesterday.

I weighed. xx9.6. You didn't really think I was going to put my actual weight on the worldwide web, did you? Jana, will you join me and post your current weight, using our happy little xxx.x formula, of course! My goal is to lose 20/20 in 2010. 20 pounds, then 20 more pounds. That would take me back almost to the healthy weight of 15 years ago.

In cleaning out things for our move, I uncovered a box of old pictures the other night. I was mesmerized as I looked at myself 15-20 years ago. I looked great! I wore sleeveless shirts and even shorts, and they actually looked good! But I was also in some very good habits. I worked out every day on my way home from work. I ate very light--Lean Cuisine for lunch and a baked potato for supper most days. I didn't keep snacks around me. Of course, I don't remember ever feeling skinny, but the pictures are REAL!

My husband loves me unconditionally, praise God! I have a great life and I'm okay with myself. My desire is really to honor God with my body, not just to get skinny. When young women ask me for advice about life-stuff, I often tell them this: When you lay in your bed at night and it's just you and God, you know what is best. And the bottom line is, I know I am not living a disciplined life. Yes, I enjoy food and I think God made it for us to enjoy. But I'm pretty sure it would be pleasing to God for me to gain a little control of HOW MUCH food I put in my mouth each day. So...with that in mind...

Jana says her biggest challenge is the hour between getting home and supper. I'm afraid mine spans the whole day, but my very worst time is after the kids go to bed. I KNOW I should just be done with food. I'm never actually hungry then, but my darling husband and I have found really unhealthy ways of expressing love to each other. So if I'm working on a project, he'll bring me a little cup of m&m's or a bowl of ice cream. And if I want m&m's or a little ice cream, I'll always make one for him too! So we "serve each other" by stuffing ourselves with empty calories just before we go to bed.

I know, that's just awful! So, I guess since I've written it down for all the world to know our terrible secret, it's time to change that habit. I'd start today, but tonight I'm going out for a friend's birthday--movie and dessert after... So, tomorrow I will begin a commitment to quit eating after 7:30 or whenever we finish supper. I'll have to find other ways to bless my husband!

That's Baby Step #1! How about you, Jana?

Habits, Habits, Habits

Isn't this a pretty blog? Trisha created/designed this for us, and I was able to sign in today and join the fun. I've always told her that she's the leader and I'm the foot soldier--if she will provide the idea, I'll provide some of the legwork. We've also likened ourselves to Oprah & Gayle, but since Oprah has fallen on some bad PR times, we might have to find another dynamic duo to emulate.

I've been thinking today about our blog title, "Second Nature" and what might distinguish what we would like to do "naturally" from something we've always called a habit.

For me, the word "habit" has a negative connotation. In terms of my overall health, one of my bad habits is the 4:00 snacking frenzy. When we get home from school each day, I feel like eating the paint off the wall. I probably consume more calories in that 10-15 minute period than I do the rest of the day combined. You think I'm kidding--but, no. To get healthy, I am going to have to eliminate that habit and replace it with something good. What can I do in those first few minutes (and really, the hour until dinnertime), that would keep me out of the kitchen and thinking about snacking? Do tell . . .

In the future, I hope that as I move from one part of my day to the next, I won't soothe that transition with food. I hope what will come "naturally" to me is something that promotes something good for me and my family.

Second Nature. A thousand small decisions. Being intentional about each decision so that a good "habit" develops. That's one of the things we're all about here.

We hope any reader will join us on this journey of a thousand small decisions. We'll make them together, one at a time.

Jana

First Post

We just need to get this one out of the way. I didn't post before because I wanted to wait for something profound to say, but I'll never think I have anything profound, so I'm just going to write about why we have this pretty new blog!

My dear friend Jana and I wanted to find a way to "spur one another on" toward self-discipline, particularly in the area of our health and honoring God with our bodies and minds. Since I have been trying to get you, Jana, to write a book for many years, I thought this might be a great way for us to keep each other accountable, and to record our thoughts for posterity.

So why the title? Second Nature: A Thousand Small Decisions. Our prayer is that as we can keep making small decisions--to eat healthier, to avoid food that is less than healthy (like our beloved peanut m&m's and brownies), and to get our bodies in some kind of pattern of movement. The result will be that someday healthy living will become second nature.

Here we will post our goals, our successes and failures, and try to write about what's going on in our hearts and minds that seems to make a difference. We're complicated women, Jana and I, so figuring out our "stuff" may take awhile. We trust that God is up to something here, so we are excited to see what He wants to do with us!

If you happen upon our little blog, we welcome you. Your encouragement is welcome. Anything else might be deleted:).